Soteria Mental Health

Do you want to upgrade your relationship?  Become a better listener by changing the way you listen when your partner speaks to you about something going on in their life.  Couples grow apart when they don’t feel understood by their partner.  You can change this pattern in your marriage today with a few simple changes. 

Asking questions, empathizing with their experience, and letting them know you understand are all skills that will strengthen your connection and build intimacy.  If you’re not used to doing this or have gotten out of the habit of having meaningful conversations with your partner, start out by making it a point to ask them how they are doing during a time that is good to talk with low distractions.

When your partner responds, try to see the world from their perspective.  Attune to your partner by being fully present.  Don’t try to cheer them up or give advice; your goal is only to understand and validate their experience. 

Ask questions and really listen to the answers.  Avoid judgement and communicate respect, understanding, and empathy.  If you notice feeling stressed while listening, remember to breathe deeply and self-soothe. Take a break if you need it.

Then, reflect back what you hear.  A big part of listening is witnessing so that your partner doesn’t feel so alone.  A powerful way to witness and be there for your partner is to repeat back in your own words what you heard your partner saying and validate their feelings.  Neuroscience research shows that something changes in our brain when we feel understood in this way, and it has a calming effect on the body.

This might feel awkward to do at first, but with a little practice, this can transform your relationship.  John Gottman from the Gottman Institute writes about practicing great listening and how this improves relationships.  Try using this formula:

“I hear that you’re saying… (fill in the blank with your own words) …and it makes sense to me why you would feel that way, because … (fill in the blank with your own words).”

Don’t take responsibility for your partner’s feelings or try to fix anything.  If you feel uncomfortable about your partner’s upset emotions, know that just listening and conveying your support and understanding can help immensely.  Also, know that within each negative emotion there is a longing.  Try to understand the longing.

This simple technique is effective and can help improve the communication and connection within your relationship.

If you feel like you are struggling in your relationship and need more support, contact us today to set up a complimentary consultation with our relationship specialist to learn more about how we can help!