Gottman Method Couples Therapy: Building a More Connected Relationship
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Every single relationship goes through ups and downs, highs and lows, and many couples benefit from couples therapy. Many clients start looking for couples therapy when they find themselves having the same argument over and over again, feeling disconnected from each other, or feeling like they are more like roommates then partners.
Gottman Method couples therapy is an evidence based modality used to help support couples in feeling more connected, communicate better, and improve overall intimacy. Gottman Method couples therapy offers more than just a place to talk about your problems, but rather offer practical tools and interventions to help with understanding each other more deeply and rebuilding your connection.
Rather than simply focusing on who is right or wrong, therapy helps couples understand what is happening beneath their conflicts and develop healthier ways of relating to one another.
What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
Gottman Method couples therapy was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman after decades of research on relationships and couples. Gottman Method couples therapy is particularly a distinctive approach due to its emphasis on understanding the overall relationship as a whole. Couples will learn to recognize patterns that
Couples learn to recognize patterns that may be creating distance while building skills that promote friendship, communication, emotional connection, and conflict management.
Gottman Method couples therapy can be helpful for concerns such as:
Frequent arguments
Communication difficulties
Emotional disconnection
Loss of intimacy
Trust issues
Differences in parenting styles
Major life transitions
Infidelity
Feeling more like roommates than partners
Difficulty expressing needs
Couples come to couples therapy at various places in their relationships, everywhere from having a solid relationship, but wanting tools before a major transition or life event, to having frequent arguments but still feeling okay, all the way to feeling like the relationship is in crisis.
Why Do Couples Keep Having the Same Arguments?
You’re spending day after day arguing with your spouse about daycare pickup, household chores, or about how to spend money, however, this is likely not the whole story.
A disagreement about dishes might actually be about feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed. An argument about money might involve deeper concerns about security or control. A disagreement about parenting might reflect different beliefs about what it means to be a good parent or how we were parented. Over time this becomes a pattern and little things start to add up and feel like big things.
One partner may pursue a conversation while the other withdraws. One may become critical while the other becomes defensive. Eventually, both partners feel unheard and misunderstood.
Gottman Method couples therapy helps couples recognize these patterns, understand where they are coming from and why they are happening, and work towards reconnection and alleviation of these concerns.
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
One of the best-known concepts of Gottman Method couples therapy is the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These are four communication patterns that research has associated with relationship distress:
1. Criticism
Criticism is more than just a complaint of a behavior, but rather an attack on a partner’s character.
This is the difference between “I felt hurt when you did not do the dishes” and “You never think about anyone but yourself”.
Gottman Method couples therapy supports with learning to express concerns and hurt without attacking your partner.
2. Contempt
Contempt involves ridicule, name-calling, or putting your partner down. This can be very damaging to relationships and can lead to the partner feeling less than.
Learning how to replace contempt with respect and appreciation is an important part of Gottman Method couples therapy.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the difference between hearing feedback and communicating about it and hearing feedback and immediately needing to explain why you aren’t at fault for it.
Gottman method couples therapy supports with being able to take appropriate responsibility and not taking it as a personal failing and being able to work through this.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally or physically withdraws from an interaction.
Stepping away is often necessary when emotions become overwhelming and need time to be processed, but challenges arrive when withdrawing becomes the way of avoiding difficult conversations.
The goal within Gottman Method couples therapy is to learn to how to take healthy breaks with plan and dedication to returning to the conversation at an appropriate time.
Building Friendship
Gottman Method couples therapy isn't only about conflict.
A strong relationship also depends on friendship, emotional connection, shared meaning, and the ability to turn toward one another in everyday moments. It is all the small moments that add up.
A partner sharing something that happened at work. A question about your day. A hug in the kitchen. A moment of laughter before bed.
Therapy can help couples become more intentional about these moments and rediscover the friendship underneath the conflict.
Communication
Communication is often the foundation of a relationship and many couples have a hard time expressing themselves. Sometimes the bigger problem is that each partner is communicating but neither one is feeling heard.
Gottman Method couples therapy focuses on helping partners slow down, listen, express their needs, and respond to one another in ways that promote understanding rather than escalation.
Healthy relationships aren't relationships without conflict but rather are relationships where there is communication and repair.
Can Gottman Method Couples Therapy Help With Trust Issues?
Trust is a very big component of a relationship and can be damaged by several different experiences such as infidelity and dishonesty. Rebuilding trust is difficult, and requires both partners to be able to acknowledge the impact, communicate honestly, and establish a new sense of safety. Gottman Method couples therapy can provide a framework and tools to work on repairing the relationship and create that safety again.
What to Expect in Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Every individual and couple is different and therapy is going to be catered to the specific people coming to therapy. However, Gottman Method couples therapy typically begins with gathering history, current concerns, strengths, and goals.
The therapist will have an individual session with each partner to understand their specific history and what they are bringing into the relationship.
Next, they will support you in beginning to identify patterns and introduce tools for improving communication and connection. Therapy provides a structured environment where both partners have an opportunity to be heard.
Finding the Right Couples Therapist
If you're considering Gottman Method couples therapy, look for a therapist who has specific training in the Gottman approach and who creates a balanced, respectful environment for both partners.
It's also important to find someone you both feel comfortable working with as couples therapy can be vulnerable and you both need to be able to share.
The right therapist won't simply decide who is right and who is wrong, but instead will help you understand the patterns between you and learn new ways of responding to one another.
You Don't Have to Figure It Out Alone
Relationships can be complicated. Even couples who love each other deeply can become stuck in painful patterns of communication, conflict, or disconnection.
Gottman Method couples therapy offers couples a structured, research-informed approach for understanding their relationship and developing healthier patterns.
Whether you're experiencing ongoing conflict, struggling with communication, feeling disconnected, or simply want to strengthen your relationship, Gottman Method couples therapy can give you the space and tools to begin making meaningful changes.
If you are wanting to talk more about Gottman Method couples therapy, you can schedule a complimentary consultation here.
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Soteria Mental Health
Specialized online trauma therapy specializing in EMDR trauma therapy online, pregnancy and postpartum therapy, anxiety therapy, and Gottman Method couples therapy. We support clients:
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